Haven't Blogged in Awhile.

I haven't been on for awhile. And a lot of stuff happened. I mean A LOT. Lets start with uh, how I finally got over my ex boyfriend but I still talk to him, he's nice to have around. I was in the car two days ago listening to sad music just hurting away and I thought, "You need to let him go now, you've been obsessing over him for the past two years and it's gotten to nowhere.. I mean atleast you were with him and you felt really good with him and you made memories with him. You have the memories, you don't need him anymore. Just the memories" So after I was done thinking about that I texted my friend "Shannel, I've finally figured it out. You should be glad you got to be with Jarrett and that you made memories with him that you could cherish forever and ever and know that you've one been with him and felt a certain way with him. You could let him go now, like how I let Tait go, but I'm keeping the memories. I feel happy that I made memories with him that I could cherish forever. And if you and Jarrett aren't together then it isn't your fate. I believe that there is something better out there for us. So stop dwelling on the fact that you and Jarrett aren't together anymore. *hugs*" I felt sooo good after that. I haven't cried at all since we 'broke up'. And I am very glad that me and Tait are somewhat friends. 

So moving on. This happened a few days ago. No wait, it happened on Sunday 25/09/2011 that night 

I felt like I had no more will power to live. I felt like ending my own life. I had cut myself pretty badly. 

I just felt so.. forlorn. My parents and brother had somehow gotten into a little scrabble, infact it was a big scrabble. There was hitting, choking and slapping.. and blood. I had video taped all of it while still managing to help them out. I don't know why I video taped it. I just like to watch it over and over again to analyze what happened that night and think about how it could've been different. After all this happened I just went in my room and cut my little teenage wrist. I know it is very unhealthy and bad to cut it. But I did, and I regret it. I feel like my problems are coming back to me. I felt suicidal. I was talking to my friends Shannel, Katerina and Tait on my touch phone. Shannel kept encouraging me not to feel like that, which sorta helped. I thank her for that. Katerina was telling me stories about how her family acts up. I thank for her that also. And Tait was just there. Cracking dumbass jokes and swearing like a sailor. I didn't mind it though. So I told Shannel and Katerina I was going to bed. It was a lie. I just wanted to talk to Tait, only because I couldn't keep up with the texts that were constantly coming in. Ah, what else I could I write. I went to to bed at 2. I woke up at 7 and went to school. I got to English first period and we had to write a journal entry about our miseries, traumas and something else, I forget though. And I did, I made it pretty gruesome. Oh and we also could write about something good and what made us happy but nothing made me happy that morning. I had mentioned suicide in my journal entry. Wonder if she read it and thought, "This kid needs help" urgh, I think I'm done writing about what happened. The stuff that matters to me. xoxo