Birthday

It is going to be my birthday... the day I was born... in 22 minutes.

Am I supposed to feel special or something? I never really thought that

celebrating my birthday was supposed to be really special, I was never really into

it I guess I could say, but boy do I ever feel like shit! My parents are broken up. My boyfriend

has his own plans for his birthday and all I have is shit!

Valentine's Day

Today I woke up to chocolates and weak smiles. I endured the day just so I could spend it with my boyfriend and now my mother told me in a text asking if my father was home, she also said that he was leaving her. Leaving her on fucking Valentine's Day... what will I never do now? How could I live my life without a dad and a father? Actually... to think about it he wasn't much of a father to me after I had turned 12. I remember on New Years he told me that I didn't know him and then he walked out. I wouldn't mind putting my sweet, sweet slick blade to my dark caramel colored skin. That is so bad. I don't even know if dating is worth it anymore because my boyfriend isn't making me feel better at all. Perhaps he doesn't care either. And I suppose I'm okay with that.

Man I really need to talk to somebody.

xxxx

I believe...

I believe that there is something wrong with moi and my not so precious self.

I wish I knew what could be possibly wrong with me. I hate the people around me, I hate talking but I just can't seem to shut the fuck up, I hate the way I look, I hate my personality, I have my family and I hate my life. When I say something it's like somebody says this 'cool' comeback which makes me look like this fucking stupid idiot. And then I just take it like a boss, well not like a boss, maybe like a fucking stupid idiot that can't stand up for them self? My spelling is ABSOLUTELY terrible today, well I mean its always been terrible but for some reason today its really terrible, like beyond terrible. Even my damn pronunciation is just as terrible... but every day. I almost feel like I'm supposed to be special, or I'm just actually this dumb ass idiot like all my damn peers. I don't wish to be like any of them, not even my best friend. I wish to be my own person, but I don't know. I have a few disorders or problems that I nee-I'm going to stop writing this and go to a different page. I'm literally the biggest loser in the world.

The Best Part of Being with You is to Know You are with Me

How peculiar...

My boyfriend told me today that he thought he was rushing me. He told me because of his age and mine, usually people my age would only be dating and people his age usually would be having serious relationships. He is indeed 3 years older than me, but I love it. I'm not sure what to think... I also not sure if I want a serious relationship, would if he persuades me to have a kid or something and I do it? My childhood would be forever changed... and I don't think I want that.

We were lying down and he decided to put on Jaded by Aerosmith and that led to Northern Wind by City and Colour.. and finally.. Easy to Love by Theory of a Deadman. He teared up while he was holding me and listening to it. I asked him if he was somewhat crying and he said he wasn't.. he later on confessed that she choked up for I don't know what reason. Maybe because he was really happy to be with me.

I sometimes feel like the luckiest and the happiest girl in the world when I am with him.

I almost love him, Blogger. Almost.

Little Brother

My boyfriend told me that his mother asked him if my little brother was 'normal' or something because my little brother told her once that he was gay and he doesn't care about what anyone thinks.

Today... that just rocked my world, not in the good way, not in the bad way either.

I'm actually willing to accept that he is a homosexual.. or something. It would be just like having a sister. I was actually kind of excited just a wee little bit on the inside.

If he does grow up to be gay, I will mold him into somebody as unique as me.

The thing that really worries me is my dad, will he be willing to accept that his son is gay?

What will happen?

Should I tell my parents?

My boyfriend told me not to, for it was cause something between our parents.

Oh sorrowful and happy day.

Life is good

Hm, I don't think the title of this blog is appropriate, but it will do. :)

Well.. I'm back with my boyfriend again. And it's great. He's literally the sexiest guy in the world.

He came over on Wednesday and we laid in bed all day. It was so comfortable and awesome.

He smelled so delicious I just wanted to eat him.

We tried watching The Forth Kind but we got bored and started cuddling, oh my god... I cant explain how it feels to cuddle with that hunk of sexiness. We talked, and we talked a lot, we joked. It was so awesome I almost can't remember what we talked about! And joked. He said that every time one of us looked at one another the other looked back as if they knew the other was looking at them. And it was true. He stayed for a total of 7 hours and oh my god, best 7 hours of my life!

There was just one thing I forgot to do, I needed to tell him something important. I wanted to tell him how I felt and why I wanted to break up with him. I didn't know how to start the conversation about it. I was nervous.

Anyway....

The last hour of the visit was nice, he was turned on. He was touching. I had this feeling inside of me that I wanted to act out but couldn't. I wanted to... have sex with him. I haven't really felt like that ever and... I didn't think I'd feel like that ever.

xxxx

Today I did one of the hardest things in my life

I haven't blogged since the 28th of December.

I have this killing loneliness. Or I feel like I have this mental disorder of some sort. I don't feel normal. If something was wrong with me I sure wish I knew.

Today I actually told my boyfriend/ex boyfriend how I felt about life. And how I needed to be alone. I honestly don't know if I regret it.

I told him how I always feel like shit. And how I have these constant thoughts of suicide and worthlessness. I told him how... he could go on and live his life without me. I feel like I'm holding him back in very big ways. He's even been calling me a kid. I guess I am a kid, and he doesn't want to be in some sort of big age difference relationship.

He said that he loved me. That somehow moved me. He also said that he doesn't want to lose me. To be honest... I just might wanna lose him. He even said that a part of him has died and that he is actually crying.

"To be honest... I just might wanna lose him"

What a world we live in.