Christmas

Well I had a delightful Christmas. Even though I didn't get to see my boyfriend at all...

it was still pretty AWESOME. I got a computer, just exactly what I wanted. My own personal computer for ME. So I could now have my fap folder on here and other delightful things too! (Just kidding, lol)

I got Rammstein tickets. I didn't expect them much but atleast I got them! And now I don't know who to take, my boyfriend or my brother. I feel like the chances of my brother going is very high because my boyfriend and I are always breaking up and making up. I like him so, but I don't know.

I also got another gift that I thought was a really good step in my relation ship, my boyfriend called me 'babes' which is really new. He's the sweetest. It's kind of hard to believe that I haven't been able to have a good long visit with him in weeks! A lot of crazy stuff happened in the past 2-3 weeks. Some bad and some good. Anyway... I want to show you some of the pictures I've taken.

I will forever treasure these gifts. :P

Ticket

Rammstein <3

Cracked cellphone, but there's that beautiful text. <3

Computer and monitor I wanted for Christmas, thanks mom and dad!

And here I thought Christmas wasn't going to be good because my brother was kicked out.

But it turned out pretty good.

Night all, Merry Christmas.

xxxx

Christmas

Christmas

Busted

Well this is a terrible day.

A horrible, horrible, terrible, terrible day.

O sorrowful day!

So here I am, caught, busted, and almost humiliated! I'm such a stupid person! After all the trust I've built up with my parents... it all get torn down today because I just got caught with marijuana. O sorrowful day! I shouldn't have bought that weed, I should have exterminated that thought. This might ruin the plans I've had with my boyfriend. Urgh! I'm so angry with myself! *tearing up*

Could this day get any worse? I hope not because I just might crack and go on this crazy rampage.

Oh, I am such an idiot. A moron. AN IMBECILE! I regret buying that marijuana. SO STUPID OF ME!

I just want to... die, perhaps? But... today all I really wanted to do was be with my boyfriend. I wanted him to cradle me in his big strong arms. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to lay with him... But now I can't. I'm so fucking broken.

I hope I don't die. Farewell all.

xxxx

My newest regret

1:15AM THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2011

So how do I start this off? I am pissed. Or I don't know what I'm feeling right now... but what I feel isn't very good. I feel stressed. I have school in the morning. I can't sleep. I can't even have any privacy! So my parents chose today to have a few too many beers, I suppose. Had their little friend over and made the biggest mistake. They let their son drink. Well my brother has a different father, but I suppose I could say 'they let their son drink'. So he got drunk. Start-oh here he comes... Anyway.. he started to get a little crazy and my parent's friend went and took him to get more beer. HOW AWESOME IS THAT? (sarcasm) And so he's here drinking and starts bothering me and telling me how depressed he is and that he is a loser that can't move out of his parent's house. Honestly, I wish I could help the dude. He has a problem, several actually. I don't know why his mother doesn't try help him at all. Maybe she is making somewhat of an effort but it isn't working. I just don't know what to do. This boy is sick. Mentally and I don't know... physically, I suppose. And his mother's side of the family isn't doing anything at all... they are just calling him down saying he won't do shit all with his life because of what state he is in. Some fucking family I have. I just wish... the world could be a happy place, like it used to be. I wish I didn't have to worry about anything. All I ever hear is, "Don't do anything stupid" "Don't try hurt yourself" "Please be safe and don't commit suicide" this isn't finished yet, gotta let my brother use the laptop. FML.

Well I am back and it is tomorrow. Heh, tomorrow. I don't know, it appears to me that the fucked up stuff that happened last night wasn't over! At approximately 2:45 PM I wake up to stuff being banged hard to the ground and yelling. My brother has... lost it. There's yelling so I just try to ignore it and I hear, "[name withheld] STOP, YOU'RE OVER DOING IT, DON'T HURT HIM" and it was my mother begging her husband not to hurt my brother too bad. They were trying to restrain him and wait for the cops to come and take him to the drunk tank. What a horrible night. I was late for school, but I don't know... School was pleasant. Had some decent classes and an okay lunch... but my ex boyfriend... likes to try piss me off. My friends and I were minding our own business being goofs and all of a sudden my ex pushes his friend and he crashes into Carrie and I. It was pretty... funny. I guess. And later on that day he said, "Don't cut yourself!" when I was in study hall trying to mind my own business looking out the window.

I'm getting lazy to type. Ooh, I have some new pictures of my... self mutilation. My cutting.

I'm a cutter, I can finally admit it. I suppose.

My little mistakes.

^ I had to clean up a little.

^ I don't know, this just randomly came to mind, so I did it.

^ After the deed was done. I felt... better.

I need help.

Gossip

Well today I get a text from my ex saying something about him not having a dick and that he's an asshole. And he told me that somebody told him that I said that about him. I would never say anything like that about him, or anybody. I care far too much about him and his feelings. And it just hurts me... so badly that he doesn't believe me. Just hurts so badly. I actually cried. I suppose he thinks I'm lying because we broke up. And he said that after we broke up he was happier. People are so horrible! Horrible I say! I'm just so hurt. WHY DOES IT HURT SO BAD? This is the worst kind of feeling I could ever have. EVER. I suspect that one of his relatives said that... because they obviously don't like me, JUST because I declined them on Facebook.

Oh well, I suppose the only thing to do is suppress the anger and the sadness. Just lock it all away until I can't hold it in anymore. Lock it away until I explode and I no longer live. I suppose I would be... happier.

~le sigh~

Life is just almost not worth living anymore.

Saturday December 3rd, 2011

Well I had a decent night. I had a friend come over and she totally bunked out on me. Which sort've killed my mood. Plus she had body odor which wasn't really pleasant and she made me eat a lot. I ended up throwing up several times. I don't know why I ate with her, I didn't want her to feel over-weight or anything. She sat on the head part of my bed which really freaked me out, I practically yelled at her for sitting there but apologized later. I absolutely HATE it when people sit on that part of my bed, I mean that's where my head goes, SICK. I also don't like it when people let out their gases on my bed, just pure disgusting. I gotta wash my bedsheets today later on. And wash my floors. ANYWHO, I missed my show! I was going to wake up at 3AM and put it to Oddities, but I was far too tired and urgh! I missed it. That show is just amazing. I love how it has this gothic dark twist to it. Just beautiful.

Okay so next morning I wake up at 10 and she wakes up at 11 and she's really sick with a sore throat and she has the chills. I HOPE I don't get sick, getting sick is so unpleasant. Haha, I just looked behind me and it looks so beautiful out. Maybe I will go out today and jog around... the snow is so beautiful.

Well Friday was really interesting for me. My idiotic alcoholic brother totally trashed my laptop by spilling beer on it. That really made me angry that morning that I didn't want to eat. So I went on the bus angry as ever and I go to school, first class was math and I absolutely loved it, 15 minutes in I get frustrated and leave without saying anything and I head to the office and ask if I could get dropped off at home, yet it was only 9. They said I had to wait for 10, then a few seconds later they said they had to decorate the school van for some Christmas parade. They ask if I could get a ride home and I replied with, "Probably not" so I leave furious. (I feel like I'm developing an anger problem... well not really because my brother broke my precious laptop) So I start my way out of the school grounds and I'm on the road... a lot of people were driving by and looking. I felt so alone and so alienated. I tried making poetry in my mind with my words and such but I just couldn't do it. Plus it was so cold! I was almost (not really) home when my aunty's husband picks me up. That man has got to be the nicest person in the world, he's always so jolly. My aunt Louanne is just lucky to have somebody like him. So he takes me home and I thank him a million times. I head inside and I find my drunken brother already getting up to bother me and a lot of crap went down. He started crying begging me not to commit suicide, like who said I was going to end my life? I asked him why he thinks I was going to end my life and he says, "I get this feeling that your depressed, like me" and he starts telling me all this shit about him wanting to end his life. ~le sigh~ He tells my mother I have 'issues' and now I'm going to start seeing a counsellor. My brother is going to see one also.

I did not enjoy that Friday, although I got a new laptop.

Which was okay for me. Anywho that's all I wanted to say today.

xxxx

Life just isn't what it used to be

Life?

Life isn't the best right now, I guess I could say. I absolutely stopped talking to my friends, I started smoking and I now make poetry about how lonely I am and how I probably won't ever find a mate ever again.

I was on the bus going home from school and this couple of about maybe a year sat in the seat across from mine and they looked so happy and they kissed. They were both over-weight, brown and happy. You know what I don't understand? I don't understand how they could stand to be with each other. I don't see how that could be. I don't see how they could be interested in each other for so long. I just don't understand!

I find it very mind boggling. It's just so confusing and unheard of by me. And I don't know if I had felt that at one time. Or wait, I don't think I did. Maybe I didn't. I'm in pure doubt.

ANYWAYS my life is pretty boring. I spend my mornings learning and waiting for lunch, except for when I am math. I love math so much and I just wish it didn't have to end and hour and fifteen minutes later. I absolutely love learning it. It helps to get the mind off certain things that need to be forgotten for an hour or so, then these haunting memories come right back. After mornings I spend my lunch in the abyss of my dark mind... making spoken poetry or just plain lyrics while I swing, swing on the lonely swings with the dark clouds and the snow and the loneliness. At the end of the day... it is very awkward. I just don't ever know what's going to happen. ~le sigh~

Thy brother would like to go online. Goodness he anger me!

xxxx