Okay so.. I've looked at a couple blogs and I have to say they were extremely beautiful. They seemed so creative and just full of life and words. Like a hot sunny day in the summer occasionally with a few puffs of clouds in the sky to go along with it. When I read them I just think oh this person who writes this wonderful stuff must have an adventurous life, I also think down about myself. When I read peoples blogs it makes me think I'm not creative enough, it makes me feel like I am stuck in a glass box that is shielded from the world. (sorry if this doesn't make sense I don't have my laptop with me, my sweet sweet laptop. I am using my iPod) I don't know what it is.. Do I have low self esteem or low confidence? It just baffles me. Or maybe I am just going through that awkward teenage stage, I used to be very fond of life and find it amazing, but that changed. I feel like this blog or post, whatever they call them is unorganized, I feel like just shutting off my iPod and going to bed, but I don't want to.. I want to finish this.. Or talk about my life. I've always wanted to write things down in a little journal but I would always throw away the paper because I didn't think it was creative enough to be treasured. I think that I want everything to be perfect.. I am never satisfied with what I do or make. I compare my work to other peoples work, I guess I could say. It's hard not to. So I came to Blogger so I wouldn't have to keep throwing my writings away. What kind of person am I? I just don't know.

Does A Broken Heart Ever Really Mend?

Well here I am.. 5:01AM listening to break up songs. I feel pretty pathetic 'cause I got out of a relationship 4 months ago. I just miss him right now. I miss the way he sounds, his sweet deep voice, his charm, his jokes. I'm currently listening to Cauterize - "Porcelain" and it reminds me of him, one of the lyrics that were mentioned in the song were 'I'd rather be fighting with you than sleeping next to her' and it just sorta makes me think I'd rather be fighting with my ex, other than sleeping with some guy who is totally out of my league. (Mattie) I noticed he gets more ass than me.. and he's overweight. Every girl wants him and he wants me? I don't want him. I act like I want him.. for all the wrong reasons. His love doesn't fill the empty space in my heart that Tait left. (Tait is my ex) I miss all those memories I made with Tait. I miss fighting with him, I miss kissing him, I miss talking to him.  I miss him in general. I almost teared up back there. Gosh, I don't know what else to say.. but I really needed to make this, it was bothering me alot. Tait once told me, "Days will come and go, but my feelings are Forever" I wonder if he still has feelings for me, I have feelings for him.. still... after a whole year. It's been off and on.. cry after cry.. but he's just too awesome. I was his first.. and that meant ALOT to me. I wish I could talk about him around my friends but they would think, "Oh, what a loser.. she's not even over him yet and it's been what? A year." I just hate it. I miss him. I don't even think I know how he looks anymore.

Mattie

What could I say about him? He's perfect, loving and everything in between. He respects privacy, I told him not to come looking for my blog. Gosh, I love him. He's a perfect guy. He's super nice. He's just to awesome. He kept me alive when everybody gave up on me, he has always been there for me. Just makes me think, "You are one hatred filled son of bitch, you selfish coward.." because I lied to him, I lied to him so many times like I lied to Tait.. I just hate myself for that. Mattie doesn't deserve to be lied to.. but I just can't find the courage to tell him anything because I don't want to fuck up our friendship. I love him too much.

I hate too much

Okay so.. I've been waiting for my 'best friend' to reply to the message I sent to her about 4-5 days ago and she hasn't replied yet. I look on Facebook and she was online 18 hours ago (just writing this makes me feel like a huge stalker.. I saw it on the newsfeed) and she didn't reply. When I read that I was hurt, so hurt, so now I've got all this hatred for my friends. I don't have much friends but they all want to leave me to move somewhere else. I don't know.. I have one friend named Carrie, the one who I messaged and she wants to move 45 minutes away from me to go to a christian school, I have another friend named Keely and she wants to move 1 hour away from me to start a different school because she doesn't give a SHIT about any of the friends she made here. I just feel so hurt. That's pretty much all that I have, I feel like I have nothing. I have Matthew, but he doesn't know the real me. I wish he could but I'm afraid he won't like the real me. I feel quite sad.

A post, so this is a blog? I'm going to write about my day today.

Well today I woke up at 3AM, I was feeling fine I watched a couple episodes of Jersey Shore on my laptop and then watched a couple of YouTube videos around 7. So I put on my shirt in mid-happening my mom walks in on me, so immediately I thought, "Oh shit she probably thinks I was doing something wrong or bad".. I can't help but think like that. So I started my day, I went to the kitchen, my mom made me scrambled eggs and toast (I wanted something healthier but no) and I ate it, I hated it. Lately I've been craving food from somewhere else.. not here where I currently am. While my mom was cooking she was complaining about her son (my oldest brother) talking about how he's trying to run away (he's already legally free to go, that idiot) and stuff. I thought to myself, "Like fuck I don't want somebody complain to me about their no life son" so I just told her I didn't care about what he did. He's an idiotic man-child who likes to drink, smoke, pop his money away. My mom asked me to do her hair, so I did and I thought, "Fuck, why can't this lady do it herself? If could do it, why can't she?" It's about 8AM now so I'm done her hair and she goes to do the rest of her hair (the top and whatnot) and I go to sit down with my laptop to go on the internet and my dad comes home and starts cooking for himself. So he's done cooking and he sticks down at the table about 1 minute in he says to me, "Your mom should have just left Nathan alone (her close relation.. and he was missing) cause now her family is going to bitch at her, jeez." something like that, I don't remember what exactly he said, so after he said that I think he was complaining about the news.. something like that. I absolutely hate it when my parents cannot just NOT complain for a day or so. So I got fed up and I did the dumbest thing in the world. (usually I wouldn't do such a thing) I made a status about them on Facebook and what I said was out there for the world to see, I said something about how they should just be happy and not complain. I ended the status with, "It's starting to PISS ME OFF." after I didn't feel any better. Everybody left for about 4 hours (they had work) and they came back at 12PM and it was fine, I guess. My mom said I was going for a physical because she thinks I'm ALWAYS complaining that I don't feel good, she said I say it everyday, that pissed me off a little bit because it isn't true. Not true at all! (I feel like I'm going on a bit of a rant here, but that's why I made a blog, or whatever these things are called) I've been talking to my friend Matthew (Mattie) and we're just talking about random things, all of a sudden he brings up, "OH THESE PILLS ARE KICKIN' IN!" so I'm shocked then I ask him, "You take pills?" so apparently he takes anti-depressants and then the conversation leaded to talking about how the pills at his house are locked up with 'big lock'. So then a few conversations later.. he talks about how he wants to be dominated during sex. I told him he was crazy (jokingly). So then he told me he has dominated somebody, I ask him, "You've had sex before?" He said, "Yes." I am completely shocked, my gut feels awful, I feel 'fucked up' not in the good way either. So I reply with, "WHAT THE FUCK?" because I didn't think he could get any ass at all (he's unfit, but he works out.. apparently he can't gain muscle mass) he said, "ONLY ONCE!" he's my future husband, so he says.. and I wanted him to be a virgin. I wanted to be better than him I guess I could say, I have feelings for him, but not the feelings he has for me. So the fact that he had sex ONCE pissed me off.. off the top... big blow.. explosions in my heart and mind. So I told him I feel fucked up and it's just silent from there. Back to my parents now. So my mom brings up the status I made about her and my dad. (I thought I deleted it before she could see it) And she's trying to say she didn't complain today when obviously she did (about her son) and my dad asks what about me? I told him he was complain about the search for my moms missing relative and he tries to say he doesn't complain about anything and some other gibberish. He doesn't make sense at all sometimes. So then my dad is telling me how I shouldn't say 'shit' on the internet or else my laptop will end up in a million pieces. I don't say anything to them after that, and while they were bitching at me I just kept my eyes on the screen and kept clicking and whatnot. So everybody leaves to work and it brings me to now. It took me about an hour to write this blog, I feel better my mood is lifted a little bit.