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Sunday, 25 December 2011

Christmas

Well I had a delightful Christmas. Even though I didn't get to see my boyfriend at all...
it was still pretty AWESOME. I got a computer, just exactly what I wanted. My own personal computer for ME. So I could now have my fap folder on here and other delightful things too! (Just kidding, lol)
I got Rammstein tickets. I didn't expect them much but atleast I got them! And now I don't know who to take, my boyfriend or my brother. I feel like the chances of my brother going is very high because my boyfriend and I are always breaking up and making up. I like him so, but I don't know.
I also got another gift that I thought was a really good step in my relation ship, my boyfriend called me 'babes' which is really new. He's the sweetest. It's kind of hard to believe that I haven't been able to have a good long visit with him in weeks! A lot of crazy stuff happened in the past 2-3 weeks. Some bad and some good. Anyway... I want to show you some of the pictures I've taken.
I will forever treasure these gifts. :P



Ticket



Rammstein <3



Cracked cellphone, but there's that beautiful text. <3



Computer and monitor I wanted for Christmas, thanks mom and dad!


And here I thought Christmas wasn't going to be good because my brother was kicked out.
But it turned out pretty good.

Night all, Merry Christmas.

xxxx

Christmas

Christmas

Friday, 16 December 2011

Busted

Well this is a terrible day.
A horrible, horrible, terrible, terrible day.
O sorrowful day!

So here I am, caught, busted, and almost humiliated! I'm such a stupid person! After all the trust I've built up with my parents... it all get torn down today because I just got caught with marijuana. O sorrowful day! I shouldn't have bought that weed, I should have exterminated that thought. This might ruin the plans I've had with my boyfriend. Urgh! I'm so angry with myself! *tearing up*

Could this day get any worse? I hope not because I just might crack and go on this crazy rampage.
Oh, I am such an idiot. A moron. AN IMBECILE! I regret buying that marijuana. SO STUPID OF ME!

I just want to... die, perhaps? But... today all I really wanted to do was be with my boyfriend. I wanted him to cradle me in his big strong arms. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to lay with him... But now I can't. I'm so fucking broken.

I hope I don't die. Farewell all.


xxxx

Thursday, 8 December 2011

My newest regret

1:15AM THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2011

So how do I start this off? I am pissed. Or I don't know what I'm feeling right now... but what I feel isn't very good. I feel stressed. I have school in the morning. I can't sleep. I can't even have any privacy! So my parents chose today to have a few too many beers, I suppose. Had their little friend over and made the biggest mistake. They let their son drink. Well my brother has a different father, but I suppose I could say 'they let their son drink'. So he got drunk. Start-oh here he comes... Anyway.. he started to get a little crazy and my parent's friend went and took him to get more beer. HOW AWESOME IS THAT? (sarcasm) And so he's here drinking and starts bothering me and telling me how depressed he is and that he is a loser that can't move out of his parent's house. Honestly, I wish I could help the dude. He has a problem, several actually. I don't know why his mother doesn't try help him at all. Maybe she is making somewhat of an effort but it isn't working. I just don't know what to do. This boy is sick. Mentally and I don't know... physically, I suppose. And his mother's side of the family isn't doing anything at all... they are just calling him down saying he won't do shit all with his life because of what state he is in. Some fucking family I have. I just wish... the world could be a happy place, like it used to be. I wish I didn't have to worry about anything. All I ever hear is, "Don't do anything stupid" "Don't try hurt yourself" "Please be safe and don't commit suicide" this isn't finished yet, gotta let my brother use the laptop. FML.

Well I am back and it is tomorrow. Heh, tomorrow. I don't know, it appears to me that the fucked up stuff that happened last night wasn't over! At approximately 2:45 PM I wake up to stuff being banged hard to the ground and yelling. My brother has... lost it. There's yelling so I just try to ignore it and I hear, "[name withheld] STOP, YOU'RE OVER DOING IT, DON'T HURT HIM" and it was my mother begging her husband not to hurt my brother too bad. They were trying to restrain him and wait for the cops to come and take him to the drunk tank. What a horrible night. I was late for school, but I don't know... School was pleasant. Had some decent classes and an okay lunch... but my ex boyfriend... likes to try piss me off. My friends and I were minding our own business being goofs and all of a sudden my ex pushes his friend and he crashes into Carrie and I. It was pretty... funny. I guess. And later on that day he said, "Don't cut yourself!" when I was in study hall trying to mind my own business looking out the window.

I'm getting lazy to type. Ooh, I have some new pictures of my... self mutilation. My cutting.
I'm a cutter, I can finally admit it. I suppose.

My little mistakes.


^ I had to clean up a little.


^ I don't know, this just randomly came to mind, so I did it.


^ After the deed was done. I felt... better.
I need help.



Sunday, 4 December 2011

Gossip

Well today I get a text from my ex saying something about him not having a dick and that he's an asshole. And he told me that somebody told him that I said that about him. I would never say anything like that about him, or anybody. I care far too much about him and his feelings. And it just hurts me... so badly that he doesn't believe me. Just hurts so badly. I actually cried. I suppose he thinks I'm lying because we broke up. And he said that after we broke up he was happier. People are so horrible! Horrible I say! I'm just so hurt. WHY DOES IT HURT SO BAD? This is the worst kind of feeling I could ever have. EVER. I suspect that one of his relatives said that... because they obviously don't like me, JUST because I declined them on Facebook.

Oh well, I suppose the only thing to do is suppress the anger and the sadness. Just lock it all away until I can't hold it in anymore. Lock it away until I explode and I no longer live. I suppose I would be... happier.

~le sigh~

Life is just almost not worth living anymore.

Saturday, 3 December 2011

Saturday December 3rd, 2011

Well I had a decent night. I had a friend come over and she totally bunked out on me. Which sort've killed my mood. Plus she had body odor which wasn't really pleasant and she made me eat a lot. I ended up throwing up several times. I don't know why I ate with her, I didn't want her to feel over-weight or anything. She sat on the head part of my bed which really freaked me out, I practically yelled at her for sitting there but apologized later. I absolutely HATE it when people sit on that part of my bed, I mean that's where my head goes, SICK. I also don't like it when people let out their gases on my bed, just pure disgusting. I gotta wash my bedsheets today later on. And wash my floors. ANYWHO, I missed my show! I was going to wake up at 3AM and put it to Oddities, but I was far too tired and urgh! I missed it. That show is just amazing. I love how it has this gothic dark twist to it. Just beautiful.

Okay so next morning I wake up at 10 and she wakes up at 11 and she's really sick with a sore throat and she has the chills. I HOPE I don't get sick, getting sick is so unpleasant. Haha, I just looked behind me and it looks so beautiful out. Maybe I will go out today and jog around... the snow is so beautiful.

Well Friday was really interesting for me. My idiotic alcoholic brother totally trashed my laptop by spilling beer on it. That really made me angry that morning that I didn't want to eat. So I went on the bus angry as ever and I go to school, first class was math and I absolutely loved it, 15 minutes in I get frustrated and leave without saying anything and I head to the office and ask if I could get dropped off at home, yet it was only 9. They said I had to wait for 10, then a few seconds later they said they had to decorate the school van for some Christmas parade. They ask if I could get a ride home and I replied with, "Probably not" so I leave furious. (I feel like I'm developing an anger problem... well not really because my brother broke my precious laptop) So I start my way out of the school grounds and I'm on the road... a lot of people were driving by and looking. I felt so alone and so alienated. I tried making poetry in my mind with my words and such but I just couldn't do it. Plus it was so cold! I was almost (not really) home when my aunty's husband picks me up. That man has got to be the nicest person in the world, he's always so jolly. My aunt Louanne is just lucky to have somebody like him. So he takes me home and I thank him a million times. I head inside and I find my drunken brother already getting up to bother me and a lot of crap went down. He started crying begging me not to commit suicide, like who said I was going to end my life? I asked him why he thinks I was going to end my life and he says, "I get this feeling that your depressed, like me" and he starts telling me all this shit about him wanting to end his life. ~le sigh~ He tells my mother I have 'issues' and now I'm going to start seeing a counsellor. My brother is going to see one also.

I did not enjoy that Friday, although I got a new laptop.
Which was okay for me. Anywho that's all I wanted to say today.

xxxx

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Life just isn't what it used to be

Life?

Life isn't the best right now, I guess I could say. I absolutely stopped talking to my friends, I started smoking and I now make poetry about how lonely I am and how I probably won't ever find a mate ever again.
I was on the bus going home from school and this couple of about maybe a year sat in the seat across from mine and they looked so happy and they kissed. They were both over-weight, brown and happy. You know what I don't understand? I don't understand how they could stand to be with each other. I don't see how that could be. I don't see how they could be interested in each other for so long. I just don't understand!

I find it very mind boggling. It's just so confusing and unheard of by me. And I don't know if I had felt that at one time. Or wait, I don't think I did. Maybe I didn't. I'm in pure doubt.

ANYWAYS my life is pretty boring. I spend my mornings learning and waiting for lunch, except for when I am math. I love math so much and I just wish it didn't have to end and hour and fifteen minutes later. I absolutely love learning it. It helps to get the mind off certain things that need to be forgotten for an hour or so, then these haunting memories come right back. After mornings I spend my lunch in the abyss of my dark mind... making spoken poetry or just plain lyrics while I swing, swing on the lonely swings with the dark clouds and the snow and the loneliness. At the end of the day... it is very awkward. I just don't ever know what's going to happen. ~le sigh~

Thy brother would like to go online. Goodness he anger me!

xxxx

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Friends


So... I've broken up with my boyfriend and I haven't talked to my friends in school, I didn't even text them once. I feel like I'm sounding like a total fool but my friend Carrie never made a status about me, ever. Today she made a status about Keely, yet Keely and her have a not so good relationship, all of a sudden they're total besties. But I don't know... I think it's because I'm not there. But making a status about her is just gone too far. >_> I feel very unappreciated.

And today my ex sent me a message saying, "just remember when you think your free, the crack inside your heart is me"
which I found really weird. And I know they're lyrics, they're from my favorite musician Marilyn Manson... moving on...

So I'm pretty much a total loner now. Every day I go out for a smoke, and head straight to the swings to make up spoken poetry. If only I were to bring a pencil and paper my poems would be lovely... but they're somewhat depressing I suppose. And it's just so damn cold outside why would I want to bring a pencil and paper. >_> Ah for once in a few years I wish it was summer.

I'm not okay..
xxxx

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Nights like these

1:59AM 28/11/2011

It's nights like these where I simply just want to not be around, ever.
It's night like these where I get a razor and do a few lines, and no, I do not do drugs. I cut.

I feel so alone. I feel as if everybody has somebody, but me. Unless I am just not looking hard enough.

I logged on to my old MSN name and my olf friend Jake whom I hadn't talked to in months had logged in.
I sent him a message, "Jake?"
He reply with, "hey!"

Then he logs off. I wonder what happened... maybe some sort of power failure or his computer gave out. He usually wouldn't just log out like that, but gawd did I want somebody to talk to and for a second, a nano second I had him. Until he logged out.

So here I am just typing away on my little laptop. I don't like life right now, life is being unfair it seems like. I've lost a boy that I kind of liked. Well, I only liked his body, his personality wasn't the best. I cut myself when I said I wouldn't. My parents are both intoxicated and they were just 'loving' my younger brother and I up. I don't believe it. They're drunk. Although I don't blame them I suppose, their lives are fucked.

Ah, I had so much to write about on here but I got occupied with changing my e-mails on this site. It's hard to explain and I am sort of lazy.

I think I have a problem with cutting again. And I think when alcohol is present it triggers me to cut. I had a few unpleasant run ins with alcohol and people. It wasn't pretty...
anyway want to see my pleasantly unpleasant cuts?
Note: The pictures you are about to see were not all done at the same time. They are from other times I have... cut.


Dribble dribble



Sicken isn't it?



^
Oh look at that pretty little mess.
This happened earlier, before 12AM.



My brother was slightly intoxicated and he swore at me
because I didn't lend him my earphones. Why didn't I
lend him them you ask? I am somewhat of a germophobe.
I cannot stand the thought of my own earphones being
in his filthy ear. Sick!



And again, so beautiful, yet so sickening.


Everyone WINS

"I can't get you out of my head, I'd cut my head off but then I would be dead. I'm not the only mother fucker who's dying! So let's just die together"

Let's just die together.

What a boring Sunday evening...
so bored, nobody to talk to. Well, I mean nobody important to talk to.
He's gone for good. And I'm okay will that, I am very okay with that. Really.
We both agreed that this relationship we had just wasn't going ANYWHERE. 
It was very true, all we did was watch movies, make out and just lay around and fiddle around with second base, but that's about it. The good thing is that, I miss him, but I don't. I feel really free now.
And he said that he will always be there to talk to, I said I would do the same for him. 
EVERYBODY WINS.  Gawd, that boy is something, lol.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And my friend Dolph said he was going to blog about me. 
He doesn't have a blog, silly Dolph. 
So I'm blogging about Dolph saying he was going to blog about me. 

I feel so... random, I suppose I could say? 

"Lilth Immaculate" by Cradle of Filth is a really nice song, really. I suggest it to every one!

Monday, 21 November 2011

New picture


Ahahaha, today I made my first meme picture. The Annoying Facebook Girl one, and I'm pretty proud of myself. :P

.

Sunday, 20 November 2011

You make me so angry

20/11/2011

Why do I feel so angry? Does my mother want to loose her first and only daughter? I'm in a happy relationship and she's trying to take it all away. FOR ONCE... I am actually happy and she's trying to take it away.
That's horrible. HORRIBLE. I just wanna... cut.

Friday, 11 November 2011

11/11/11

Friday, November 11, 2011


I had the BEST day ever!!! My ex came here. It was planned and it went out perfectly.
I just wish I could relive it again and again. We just laid there and gazed into each others eyes.
We kissed. We held. We massaged. We tickled. We talked. It was just magical.
Originally he was supposed to come here to just talk about our relationship, but it turned into
a EPIC FEST. I don't know, I think I love him. He has got to be the sexiest guy EVER. 

~Le sigh~

I have never felt like this about a person before.

Monday, 26 September 2011

Haven't Blogged in Awhile.

I haven't been on for awhile. And a lot of stuff happened. I mean A LOT. Lets start with uh, how I finally got over my ex boyfriend but I still talk to him, he's nice to have around. I was in the car two days ago listening to sad music just hurting away and I thought, "You need to let him go now, you've been obsessing over him for the past two years and it's gotten to nowhere.. I mean atleast you were with him and you felt really good with him and you made memories with him. You have the memories, you don't need him anymore. Just the memories" So after I was done thinking about that I texted my friend "Shannel, I've finally figured it out. You should be glad you got to be with Jarrett and that you made memories with him that you could cherish forever and ever and know that you've one been with him and felt a certain way with him. You could let him go now, like how I let Tait go, but I'm keeping the memories. I feel happy that I made memories with him that I could cherish forever. And if you and Jarrett aren't together then it isn't your fate. I believe that there is something better out there for us. So stop dwelling on the fact that you and Jarrett aren't together anymore. *hugs*" I felt sooo good after that. I haven't cried at all since we 'broke up'. And I am very glad that me and Tait are somewhat friends. 

So moving on. This happened a few days ago. No wait, it happened on Sunday 25/09/2011 that night 
I felt like I had no more will power to live. I felt like ending my own life. I had cut myself pretty badly. 
I just felt so.. forlorn. My parents and brother had somehow gotten into a little scrabble, infact it was a big scrabble. There was hitting, choking and slapping.. and blood. I had video taped all of it while still managing to help them out. I don't know why I video taped it. I just like to watch it over and over again to analyze what happened that night and think about how it could've been different. After all this happened I just went in my room and cut my little teenage wrist. I know it is very unhealthy and bad to cut it. But I did, and I regret it. I feel like my problems are coming back to me. I felt suicidal. I was talking to my friends Shannel, Katerina and Tait on my touch phone. Shannel kept encouraging me not to feel like that, which sorta helped. I thank her for that. Katerina was telling me stories about how her family acts up. I thank for her that also. And Tait was just there. Cracking dumbass jokes and swearing like a sailor. I didn't mind it though. So I told Shannel and Katerina I was going to bed. It was a lie. I just wanted to talk to Tait, only because I couldn't keep up with the texts that were constantly coming in. Ah, what else I could I write. I went to to bed at 2. I woke up at 7 and went to school. I got to English first period and we had to write a journal entry about our miseries, traumas and something else, I forget though. And I did, I made it pretty gruesome. Oh and we also could write about something good and what made us happy but nothing made me happy that morning. I had mentioned suicide in my journal entry. Wonder if she read it and thought, "This kid needs help" urgh, I think I'm done writing about what happened. The stuff that matters to me. xoxo

Friday, 12 August 2011

SAD

I am extremely sad. Almost depressed. I had to say goodbye to the bestest most awesomest boy friend in the world. I miss him so much. I just... I keep thinking about him. I wish I could have been friends with him forever but our friendship was built up on a foundation of lies. I hate myself so much. Today it felt like I didn't get sleep at all, but I had a few dreams. I dreamt that I had a dream about being at a school in a post-apocalyptic world with a mechanical boyfriend, I also had another one and it was about eating lots then puking it up later. I woke up today with dark circles under my eyes, I never wake up like that, my eyes are dry from falling asleep crying, everything hurts.. including my heart. I feel like I have nobody anymore. Nobody at all. And I am very sure that I had to do that.. he was a super kind 17 year old, while I was a lying 14 year old. I'm so dumb, maybe he'll find my blog and read these, then he'll finally know the truth. But the chances are that we probably won't. I'm sorry Matthew.

Saturday, 30 July 2011

Something blog-worthy?

The date is 30/07/2011 3:17PM 

Apparently a young woman got decapitated by 3 young kids between the age of 14-19.
Apparently they raped her and beaten her badly. Personally I think this would've never happened
if she didn't go party out and 'dog around' (party and do stuff with alot of men and/or women). 
I've been hearing ALOT of rumours.. they could be true.. or they could be false. Her name was Roberta.. 
I really don't know how to feel when it comes to people dying, my mother just called and she's 'shaken up' 
I don't know if she has any friendship with the lady.. but I think I understand now why she's shaken up. 
It's sad really.. Roberta let her 14-15 year old daughter get pregnant, some mother she is really and her grandchild won't be able to see her grandmother ever. Oh well.. she's in a better place now I suppose.

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Days come and go but my feelings for you are forever

Okay so.. I had a dream me and my ex boyfriend were still together and we were so happy. That dream brought up some feelings.. Feelings that actually made me unblock him. So around 1AM I was on Facebook just looking at the news feed and he added me few of my friends and you know how it shows a little profile picture.. It used to be a picture of a Korn CD but he changed it to a picture of him and I saw it.. It just broke me. I still have feelings for him after all we've been through. Although I don't act like it, inside I do. I cried after seeing his profile default because it was so beautiful. I should be over him already.

Friday, 8 July 2011

Tell me what you know about night terrors

I had the most wonderful and horrible dream lastnight. I wish I could relive it. I wish I still had it. Anywho... it was a dream about my ex boyfriend Tait. I dreamt that it was the summer and we were still dating and we were just happy. I doubt it will ever be like that ever again, I've put him through so much crap and he's a total douche. I miss him, I miss his abuse. I don't wanna be with him anymore, but I'm glad I was with him. I was his first he will be my last... for a very long time. I think what triggered the dream was I went on a bike ride and looked down a bush trail, he said he would walk through it every day just to see me. <3


xx

Monday, 20 June 2011

Okay so.. I've looked at a couple blogs and I have to say they were extremely beautiful. They seemed so creative and just full of life and words. Like a hot sunny day in the summer occasionally with a few puffs of clouds in the sky to go along with it. When I read them I just think oh this person who writes this wonderful stuff must have an adventurous life, I also think down about myself. When I read peoples blogs it makes me think I'm not creative enough, it makes me feel like I am stuck in a glass box that is shielded from the world. (sorry if this doesn't make sense I don't have my laptop with me, my sweet sweet laptop. I am using my iPod) I don't know what it is.. Do I have low self esteem or low confidence? It just baffles me. Or maybe I am just going through that awkward teenage stage, I used to be very fond of life and find it amazing, but that changed. I feel like this blog or post, whatever they call them is unorganized, I feel like just shutting off my iPod and going to bed, but I don't want to.. I want to finish this.. Or talk about my life. I've always wanted to write things down in a little journal but I would always throw away the paper because I didn't think it was creative enough to be treasured. I think that I want everything to be perfect.. I am never satisfied with what I do or make. I compare my work to other peoples work, I guess I could say. It's hard not to. So I came to Blogger so I wouldn't have to keep throwing my writings away. What kind of person am I? I just don't know.

Does A Broken Heart Ever Really Mend?

Well here I am.. 5:01AM listening to break up songs. I feel pretty pathetic 'cause I got out of a relationship 4 months ago. I just miss him right now. I miss the way he sounds, his sweet deep voice, his charm, his jokes. I'm currently listening to Cauterize - "Porcelain" and it reminds me of him, one of the lyrics that were mentioned in the song were 'I'd rather be fighting with you than sleeping next to her' and it just sorta makes me think I'd rather be fighting with my ex, other than sleeping with some guy who is totally out of my league. (Mattie) I noticed he gets more ass than me.. and he's overweight. Every girl wants him and he wants me? I don't want him. I act like I want him.. for all the wrong reasons. His love doesn't fill the empty space in my heart that Tait left. (Tait is my ex) I miss all those memories I made with Tait. I miss fighting with him, I miss kissing him, I miss talking to him.  I miss him in general. I almost teared up back there. Gosh, I don't know what else to say.. but I really needed to make this, it was bothering me alot. Tait once told me, "Days will come and go, but my feelings are Forever" I wonder if he still has feelings for me, I have feelings for him.. still... after a whole year. It's been off and on.. cry after cry.. but he's just too awesome. I was his first.. and that meant ALOT to me. I wish I could talk about him around my friends but they would think, "Oh, what a loser.. she's not even over him yet and it's been what? A year." I just hate it. I miss him. I don't even think I know how he looks anymore.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Mattie

What could I say about him? He's perfect, loving and everything in between. He respects privacy, I told him not to come looking for my blog. Gosh, I love him. He's a perfect guy. He's super nice. He's just to awesome. He kept me alive when everybody gave up on me, he has always been there for me. Just makes me think, "You are one hatred filled son of bitch, you selfish coward.." because I lied to him, I lied to him so many times like I lied to Tait.. I just hate myself for that. Mattie doesn't deserve to be lied to.. but I just can't find the courage to tell him anything because I don't want to fuck up our friendship. I love him too much.

Friday, 17 June 2011

I hate too much

Okay so.. I've been waiting for my 'best friend' to reply to the message I sent to her about 4-5 days ago and she hasn't replied yet. I look on Facebook and she was online 18 hours ago (just writing this makes me feel like a huge stalker.. I saw it on the newsfeed) and she didn't reply. When I read that I was hurt, so hurt, so now I've got all this hatred for my friends. I don't have much friends but they all want to leave me to move somewhere else. I don't know.. I have one friend named Carrie, the one who I messaged and she wants to move 45 minutes away from me to go to a christian school, I have another friend named Keely and she wants to move 1 hour away from me to start a different school because she doesn't give a SHIT about any of the friends she made here. I just feel so hurt. That's pretty much all that I have, I feel like I have nothing. I have Matthew, but he doesn't know the real me. I wish he could but I'm afraid he won't like the real me. I feel quite sad.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

A post, so this is a blog? I'm going to write about my day today.

Well today I woke up at 3AM, I was feeling fine I watched a couple episodes of Jersey Shore on my laptop and then watched a couple of YouTube videos around 7. So I put on my shirt in mid-happening my mom walks in on me, so immediately I thought, "Oh shit she probably thinks I was doing something wrong or bad".. I can't help but think like that. So I started my day, I went to the kitchen, my mom made me scrambled eggs and toast (I wanted something healthier but no) and I ate it, I hated it. Lately I've been craving food from somewhere else.. not here where I currently am. While my mom was cooking she was complaining about her son (my oldest brother) talking about how he's trying to run away (he's already legally free to go, that idiot) and stuff. I thought to myself, "Like fuck I don't want somebody complain to me about their no life son" so I just told her I didn't care about what he did. He's an idiotic man-child who likes to drink, smoke, pop his money away. My mom asked me to do her hair, so I did and I thought, "Fuck, why can't this lady do it herself? If could do it, why can't she?" It's about 8AM now so I'm done her hair and she goes to do the rest of her hair (the top and whatnot) and I go to sit down with my laptop to go on the internet and my dad comes home and starts cooking for himself. So he's done cooking and he sticks down at the table about 1 minute in he says to me, "Your mom should have just left Nathan alone (her close relation.. and he was missing) cause now her family is going to bitch at her, jeez." something like that, I don't remember what exactly he said, so after he said that I think he was complaining about the news.. something like that. I absolutely hate it when my parents cannot just NOT complain for a day or so. So I got fed up and I did the dumbest thing in the world. (usually I wouldn't do such a thing) I made a status about them on Facebook and what I said was out there for the world to see, I said something about how they should just be happy and not complain. I ended the status with, "It's starting to PISS ME OFF." after I didn't feel any better. Everybody left for about 4 hours (they had work) and they came back at 12PM and it was fine, I guess. My mom said I was going for a physical because she thinks I'm ALWAYS complaining that I don't feel good, she said I say it everyday, that pissed me off a little bit because it isn't true. Not true at all! (I feel like I'm going on a bit of a rant here, but that's why I made a blog, or whatever these things are called) I've been talking to my friend Matthew (Mattie) and we're just talking about random things, all of a sudden he brings up, "OH THESE PILLS ARE KICKIN' IN!" so I'm shocked then I ask him, "You take pills?" so apparently he takes anti-depressants and then the conversation leaded to talking about how the pills at his house are locked up with 'big lock'. So then a few conversations later.. he talks about how he wants to be dominated during sex. I told him he was crazy (jokingly). So then he told me he has dominated somebody, I ask him, "You've had sex before?" He said, "Yes." I am completely shocked, my gut feels awful, I feel 'fucked up' not in the good way either. So I reply with, "WHAT THE FUCK?" because I didn't think he could get any ass at all (he's unfit, but he works out.. apparently he can't gain muscle mass) he said, "ONLY ONCE!" he's my future husband, so he says.. and I wanted him to be a virgin. I wanted to be better than him I guess I could say, I have feelings for him, but not the feelings he has for me. So the fact that he had sex ONCE pissed me off.. off the top... big blow.. explosions in my heart and mind. So I told him I feel fucked up and it's just silent from there. Back to my parents now. So my mom brings up the status I made about her and my dad. (I thought I deleted it before she could see it) And she's trying to say she didn't complain today when obviously she did (about her son) and my dad asks what about me? I told him he was complain about the search for my moms missing relative and he tries to say he doesn't complain about anything and some other gibberish. He doesn't make sense at all sometimes. So then my dad is telling me how I shouldn't say 'shit' on the internet or else my laptop will end up in a million pieces. I don't say anything to them after that, and while they were bitching at me I just kept my eyes on the screen and kept clicking and whatnot. So everybody leaves to work and it brings me to now. It took me about an hour to write this blog, I feel better my mood is lifted a little bit.